Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

January 5, 2013 by The Phage

Confucius had some pretty good proverbs didn’t he? In fact, so too did a lot of other great minds throughout human history. Now is my time. Yes, in years to come, the future space people will somehow locate this exact page and nod with smug appreciation at how profound this one review is, and how important it would be to the future of mankind. For I ask… if a film is a reboot of a sequel that bears no resemblance to the first sequel and snubs the original’s reboot in favour of the real original, whilst forgoing all other subsequent sequels, is it a reboot after all? If you’re confused by that sentence, then spare a thought for me… I had to write that stuff! Christ, no-one ever told me being a genius would be this tough! I think I’ll revert to form, lest my Phagey brain explode. Here’s a review of Texas Chainsaw 3D… which might be a sequel… or a reboot… or a confusing mess… much like my mind.

Well, where to start with this one. I hope that all of you are familiar with the seminal 1974 horror classic, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? The one that features a guy called “Leatherface” – he’s a cheery chap that loves Black & Decker chainsaws and has an awful skin problem. I assume that’s why he chooses to stitch other people’s faces to his own. As Face/Off hadn’t been released back then I’d presume he’s not just a massive Nicholas Cage fan… although those hairstyles are pretty similar… OK, you’re with me so far? Good. Are you aware that the franchise has spawned three true sequels, in the form of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation? Maybe not. And let’s be honest, why would you? They’re awful. Come on – look at the title of that last one! So the 2003 reboot came as no surprise, and nor did Hollywood’s lust for horror with the 2006 prequel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning… too bad both of those were about as exciting as a toothpick too.

Leatherface through the ages…

So… All that being said, where does the ambiguously named Texas Chainsaw 3D fit into proceedings? On the surface, it looks like it might be a hokey 3D reboot of the original. You’d be wrong there. What it is in fact, is a sequel to the 1974 original. No, not the 2003 retreading, but the true original. How do you know this? Well, the whole opening of this film shows the ending to the original – the actual footage. The plot then picks up immediately after out victims-to-be have escaped and alerted the townsfolk to what’s gone on in deepest, darkest Texas. Of course, the townsfolk don’t take kindly to this and burn down Leatherface’s family house, complete with family inside. Jump to “modern day” (more on this later) and we find our protagonist Heather (Alexandra Daddario) has inherited a house in Texas from her deceased grandmother. A grandmother that is tied to the original murderous family. A murderous family that may not be entirely dead. And still has chainsaws. You get the picture?

Yes, the plot is about as obvious as me telling you that grass is green and the sea is wet. Heather’s road trip with her pals Ryan (Trey Songz), Nikki (Tania Raymonde) and Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sánchez) doesn’t go as planned. But luckily she did pack every horror cliché in the play book. At times it felt like I was watching another god awful instalment in the Scary Movie franchise. You want the runner to trip up / stumble / make obvious noises? Check. You want to see some boobs? Check. Women in bras and lace panties? Check. Paper thin, disposable characters? Check. Yes, every box is ticked. But that’s not my biggest issue with the film. That rests with why the film doesn’t tell you about Heather’s magical youth formula or time travel machine that she clearly invented..

One of many shots to please the “slasher” diehards…

OK, the original film was set in 1974. It’s clearly 1974 – the clothes, the hair and the cars are all featured at the beginning of Texas Chainsaw 3D. That definitely sets up the time period. But then we switch to 2012 for the “today” action. Trouble is, you see young Heather as a baby in 1974… and you see her as an early 20-something in 2012. This would make her 38. This isn’t a deal breaker for the film, but how could someone have missed out on this? It’d have made more sense to base this off a completely “new” original and got the times lined up. A weak oversight.

What you can’t see is how skimpy her top is. Another cliché? Tick!

With all this being said, you’re probably expecting me to award this film something akin to 0%… but you’d be wrong. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a great film. Hell, it’s not even good. But not many slasher films are good to be honest. I just got a thrill out of seeing Leatherface (ably played by Dan Yeager here) running around with a chainsaw. Sure, it’s not the same as it used to be, as it’s all a bit too slick and not as gritty as the original. It had some fun times and I think that somewhere there’s a good story in there. Unfortunately, it’s let down by more holes than a crocheted blanket. And the final 15 minutes? Wow. The weak, colour within the lines characterisation of Heather is very weak. It’s just absurd. But I guess that’s how they go about setting up sequels nowadays! To me, it just reeked heavily of how Saw managed to extend their franchise. Except for the fact that Saw, despite its flaws, defined a new genre – regardless of how you view the “torture” style. Texas Chainsaw 3D, unfortunately, does nothing to innovate or resuscitate this emaciated franchise.

Texas Chainsaw 3D is a passable slasher movie, but that’s not a high commendation. It throws in every cliché by the truckload and will have you laughing in disbelief rather than cowering behind your hands. It’s a shame that such an iconic character as Leatherface has yet to have a truly great resurrection on screen. Just like Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, I think he has had his time in the sun / moon light. I’m not saying they should be retired to their respective coffins, but they need a severe reworking if they’re ever to recapture them at their best.

And what of my proverb? Is a reboot of a sequel that bears no resemblance to the first sequel and snubs the original’s reboot in favour of the real original, whilst forgoing all other subsequent sequels, actually a reboot after all? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you. I’d put my money on it being a new sequel and not a reboot or retooling. It’s simply opened up an entirely new dimension for Leatherface to invade. After all, considering Heather is able to look so damn youthful and hot despite her apparent age of 38, reality bending inter-dimensional time travel is definitely possible.

Phage Factor:

Thirteen of the Best for 2013

January 1, 2013 by The Phage

Gaze into the Phage’s Ball…

Happy New Year one and all! We’ve all managed to survive the armageddon and hopefully survived the welcoming in of 2013 last night. So now you have just one question on your lips about the year ahead right? What are the best films of 2013! No? You’re telling me you want to know if you’ll get that promotion / girl / boy / revenge? Well, I’m afraid I’m just going to answer the query about some of the biggest films to come in 2013. Last week we had a retrospective look back at 2012 with the 1st Annual Phagee Awards and now, like Janus – the namesake of January, we’re going to look forward to what’s to come. So I’ve picked thirteen films for 2013 that should be on your radar. Whilst I hope they’re all going to be hits… I can guarantee they’ll be an interesting watch, for better – or worse.

1) 14th February: A Good Day To Die Hard

Yes, Bruce Willis will once again be donning a dirty vest and reprising his role as the unluckiest man in the world: John McClane. We cannot wait for this film. Film Phage are massive fans of the others in the franchise, so we’re eager to see what happens in the fifth. Sure, Die Hard 4 can’t hold a candle to Die Hard: With A Vengeance, but it was still great fun and we’re hoping for more of the same. The only worry? Having John McClane Jr. (aka Jack McClane, aka Jai Courtney) running around with him. Whilst we’re sure Courtney will do an admirable job… we still wish it was Tom Hardy in that role. We can dream right?

2) 27th March: Trance

This one’s coming in low and hard, because I don’t think many people even know that Danny Boyle‘s latest film will be hitting cinemas in the Spring. This is the guy that brought you Trainspotting, 28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire and 127 Hours to name but four of his eclectic movies. Whilst he’s not released too many details, we know it has James McAvoy at its lead and deals with art, ripping off gangsters and hypnosis, which leads to a reality-bending story where you don’t know what’s real from what’s resulting from the trance. It all sounds ludicrously trippy and we’re looking forward to having our minds warped.

3) 12th April: Oblivion

Whilst nerdy gamers worldwide may be rejoicing in the premise of a live action retelling of the Oblivion video game, that’s not the case. No, this is a post-apocalyptic film starring Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman. Whilst Cruise has been known to produce a dud once every so often, he’s a pretty bankable actor and only commits to promising films. This film puts Cruise as an engineer who returns to a war-ravaged Earth (we’ve been at war with aliens) and discovers a secret that turns the whole war on its head. Sure, Cruise has dabbled with aliens in the less-than-well-received War of the Worlds, but we’re excited by this. It has great potential.

4) 26th April: Iron Man 3

Don’t tell me you couldn’t see this making my list? We’re massive Marvel fans at Film Phage and can’t wait for Robert Downey Jr. to don the red and yellow suit once more. Whilst it’s great to have Sir Ben Kingsley as a menacing Mandarin, we’re also very curious about Guy Pearce‘s role. If it’s true to the Extremis comic-book storyline then his character should have a nice meaty role. Pearce has impressed us in 2012 with his slimey performance in Lawless and we couldn’t help but like him in Lockout too. This could potentially be Downey Jr.‘s last outing as Iron Man in his own dedicated film, so we’re hoping that if it is – he goes out with a bang! We also get this a week before the US… which makes it even better.

5) 24th May: The Hangover Part III

The Hangover was a breath of fresh air for the comedy film world. It was rude, bombastic and totally absurd… it was great. So when Part II reared its head in 2011… well, we were all a bit disappointed. It was near enough a copy-and-paste of its predecessor. However, The Hangover Part III is promising to turn the concept on its head, with the guys (Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms) coming to the aid of Zach Galifianakis‘ Alan. At least, that’s what the rumours are indicating… we’ll see for sure come May.

6) 7th June: After Earth

When Will Smith releases a film, the world raises its head and takes notice. He, like Cruise, has released some dud movies, but he’s another incredibly bankable actor and generally has a fantastic number of releases under his belt. In After Earth we see him reunited on-screen with his son Jaden Smith, which is great… but isn’t the reason we’re excited about this. The film also marks the return of M. Night Shyamalan to the director’s chair some 3 years after the disaster that was The Last Airbender. All we really know is that it sees Big Willy crash land on a planet that’s not been inhabited by humans for 1000 years. We just hope that “the twist” isn’t that he’s time travelled and this IS Earth… A bit like Planet of the Apes, but without the damn dirty apes.

7) 14th June: Man of Steel

Although Batman’s done and dusted, Christopher Nolan‘s dabbling with the DC superheroes isn’t over. With Zack Snyder in the director’s chair, and Nolan as producer, we see the return of Superman. Whilst the trailers have been suitably vague, we’re excited to see what they’ll do with this franchise. Could it be the next Green Lantern, or will he be the new Dark Knight… or a Light Knight. With laser eyes, who can fly… and spin the world backwards. How they manage to ground such a ludicrously powerful hero will be interesting. Because as we know, all Hollywood cares about nowadays is making heroes “gritty” and “realistic”. We’ve high hopes for Henry Cavill though – he certainly looks the part, and with the main villain touted as Zod (another superpowered guy), we’re expecting fireworks.

8) 21st June: World War Z

This could be fantastic… but it could also be awful… This film worries us and excites us in equal measures. I’m a massive fan of Max Brooks’ original book by the same name. It’s utterly fantastic. But the Brad Pitt-led film deviates heavily from the concept of the book (an oral retelling of a war against a plague that turns people into zombies – told by the survivors). Instead, this film opts to follow Pitt -who works for the UN, during an onslaught in Pittsburgh. The trailer looks a bit of a mess, with the zombies somehow forming a tidal wave – they move like a liquid. An odd choice. I’d rather we saw the runners from 28 Days Later… but we’ll see how this turns out. We’re curious, to say the least.

9) 12th July: Monsters University

Finally we get the follow up to 2001’s Monsters Inc., which is one of my favourite animated movies. We’re hoping that Monsters University goes beyond what was done back then and creates a truly funny and imaginative film. The original gang is back, so we can look forward to seeing Sully (John Goodman) and Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) in their University of Fear days. We know that they weren’t necessarily friends back then, so it’ll be an interesting plot. Let’s just hope the sequel / prequel is at least as good as the original so that it doesn’t sully (ha – that’s his name!) what was a great original film.

10) 26th July: The Wolverine

The most popular X-Man reappears on-screen this year – once again courtesy of Hugh Jackman. This one should be interesting. Apparently it’s going to skip over X-Men Origins: Wolverine and actually pick up from where X-Men: The Last Stand left off. Very interesting. Incidentally, it’s set in Japan and sees Logan coping with his losses and dealing with his life. Naturally, he’s going to have to pop those claws too to deal with some samurais. We’re also intrigued to see whether this somehow links in with 2014’s X-Men: Days of Future Past, which should feature Wolverine quite prominently. Hugh Jackman‘s signed on for it, so we shall see…

11) 20th September: Elysium

This is probably our most anticipated film on the list. Why? Because we’re seeing Neil Blomkamp returning as the writer and director. Who’s he? Only the guy behind District 9 – one of our favourite films. We’re still waiting on District 10 though – get on it Neil – we want to know what happened to Wikus! Why else should this be great? 1) the actors: Matt Damon, Jodie Foster and Sharlto Copley, 2) the story: rich folks live on a spacecraft, poor folks live on the wrecked Earth… and Matt Damon‘s going to equalise it! We’re very, very excited.

12) ??th October: Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

2005’s Sin City was a beautiful piece of cinema. In every sense. It was pulpy, gritty and looked sublime. It was Robert Rodriguez at his best, adapting a great Max Miller story. Can he do it twice? Well we’ve got a hell of a lot of the cast back for events that are set just before the original film. That means Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Michael Madsen, Clive Owen etc. It’s a shame Bruce Willis doesn’t figure in this story, as his character was great. But hey – if we’ve got more of Mickey Rourke‘s Marv back up there smashing things, then we’re happy. It also features some bizarre cameos… Lady Gaga anyone?

13) 30th October: Thor: The Dark World

Rounding out our list of the thirteen most anticipated films is everyone’s favourite Norse God: Thor. Yes, Chris Hemsworth will be back at his ripped best and fighting a new evil… one that isn’t just Tom Hiddleston‘s Loki again! Hurrah! This time we’ll see him squaring off against Christopher Eccleston‘s Malekith in what should be a refreshing new angle – not all God vs. God again, or Thor landing on Earth in the middle of nowhere doing his best impression of Crocodile Dundee… minus “y’call that a knife?” routine. Oh, and again… UK beats the US release by one week. We may have lost the battle for Wreck-It Ralph, but we’ve not lost the war yet my friends.

And that’s it – just a selection of thirteen of our picks of films to watch in 2013. We’ve not even touched on the new Fast & The Furious movie, which again has Dwayne Johnson in it, so it should be pretty good. Then there’s Gangster Squad, the eventual release of Wreck-It Ralph, and Spielberg‘s Robopocalypse. But hey – it’s thirteen films for 2013… I’ll do more films next year. Probably fourteen. If the world doesn’t end this year either.

Parental Guidance (2012)

December 31, 2012 by The Phage

I can’t quite pinpoint the point in my life where I started to feel alienated from those that are younger than me. The turning point where I thought “I was never like that at your age” or “I swear kids weren’t getting pregnant at that age in my day”. Don’t misinterpret that for me being an old, miserable Phage; I’m actually relatively young – spawned in the mid-80’s. But I still wonder what the hell the kids are drinking nowadays to make them behave so oddly. Or maybe I’m just jaded I didn’t behave so recklessly back in my youth. It’s a peculiar thing that happens to everyone when they hit their mid-twenties – they start to relate more to those older than them, than those in their teenage years. This is despite the fact that you’ve obviously been a teenager by this point, but you’ve never been a 30 year old. Odd isn’t it? Well, these inter-generational relationships are the subject of Parental Guidance – a film spanning three generations. But is it lovable like someone else your age, or as irritating as a 18 year old know-it-all that “really discovered who they were” on a beach in Thailand?

Parental Guidance is a good old-fashioned family comedy starring Billy Crystal and Bette Midler as Artie and Diane Decker – two grandparents that are somewhat ostracised by their child owing to their quirkiness. But they’re called upon by their daughter, Alice (Marisa Tomei) to look after their three grandchildren whilst she goes for a few days away with her husband. The problem? Artie and Diane are old school parents, whilst Alice and her husband are more new age (e.g. never say “no”, say “wouldn’t you rather” – a more gently, gently approach). Just how will the family cope?! Yes, yes, it’s all very formulaic and lightweight, but that’s pretty much the point. Obvious comparisons would be to Cheaper by the Dozen and films of its ilk, but they’d be misplaced, because this film isn’t a train wreck.

This is essentially a platform for Billy Crystal to be Billy Crystal. For some, that’ll sound like torment, but to others it’ll sound like heaven. Me? Well, I’ve never really been exposed to many of his movies / appearances on TV – it seems you guys in the US get a lot more of him than we do. For this reason, I thought Crystal was genuinely funny. Sure, some of the jokes were very wide of the mark, but the ones that landed on target made me chuckle. Not guffaw and fall about the aisles, but chuckle nevertheless. Similarly, Bette Midler has been given some great lines too – one exchange between her and a very demanding Russian violin teacher was particularly memorable.

What of the rest of the cast? Well, they’re all serviceable, but as I say – this is a Crystal and Midler vehicle and not much else. They’re just there. I’m well aware that Marisa Tomei can really pull off great roles (The Wrestler for instance), but she was somewhat underutilised here – the part could have been played by any actress really. Similarly, the three children are nothing too remarkable, but their performances never seemed hackneyed or weak. They’re just not Pierce Gagnon. Yes, I can pretty much manage to shoehorn Tom Hardy or Pierce Gagnon into the vast majority of my reviews.

In terms of plot development, you know you’re not going to get some astronomically complex plot. This is a “U” certificate after all – a true family film. Everything is relatively linear and you can foresee the ending before the film even begins, but I don’t think that’s the point. The emphasis is on the dichotomy of parenting styles – old school grandparents vs. new age parents. And I enjoyed that. You see, I’m much more an advocate of the straight-talking method used by Crystal and I could relate to his qualms with the gently, gently approach used by his daughter.

Other reviewers have used a lot of “sch-” prefixed words to describe the film, which I’m not entirely in agreement with. Sure, it’s sweet and sometimes very sentimental, but it’s done well. It carries a message that we can all relate to: we get older and things change. In my screening there were a variety of ages – the parents and grandparents were laughing, but so too were the children. Although the youngsters were more amused by a supersoaker to the groin than Crystal‘s off-the-cuff remarks about life. I can’t say I’ll be recommending the movie to all and sundry, but if you’re in need of a holiday film to entertain the family then you could probably do far worse than Parental Guidance.

Whilst Parental Guidance isn’t a family classic, it is an enjoyable film. It doesn’t outstay its welcome and delivers what you’d expect: an all-around enjoyable family film. If you’ve not been saturated by Crystal in the past then you’ll find much to like here. It’s unlikely to become a film you’ll love and cherish, but nor is it as tacky and obvious as Cheaper by the Dozen and other films that deal with grandparents looking after children. Crystal himself summed up Parental Guidance as a “Home Alone for grandparents”. And you know what? I think he’s about right.

Maybe my enjoyment of this movie is testament to my cynicism about Generation whatever-letter-we’re-on-now. Maybe I’m prematurely long in the tooth. And maybe I’m tainted by my own lack of kids. But for whatever reason, I enjoyed Parental Guidance a good deal. Don’t be led by the opinions of others who’d probably dissuade you from seeing this if you’re on the fence about it. After all, would you listen to the “life advice” of the aforementioned 18 year old who’s just returned from that one week sojourn in Thailand where they got in touch with their inner goddess? When in fact they were just dancing on a beach whilst drinking screwdrivers out of a plastic bag? Yes? No? Well, I guess it all depends on your age… Much like your enjoyment of this film.

Phage Factor:

Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)

December 29, 2012 by The Phage

Not your typical Craigslist advert. No mention of “no strings fun”, for a start.

Who hasn’t checked out those “Wanted” ads in the local newspaper? Even when you don’t want anything, you’re just keen to see what’s available and out there for the taking. I’m also willing to bet a hell of a lot of you have read the “Date Wanted” / “Singles” section of the newspapers too. Even when you’re all coupled up in coupley bliss. You’re just a bit of a “what if…” person. And you’re probably nosey. Or a no good dirty dog who’s looking to hook up with someone. Though I think you’d probably hit Craigslist before looking at your local newspaper for that. So what would you do if someone wasn’t looking for a hook up, and was in fact seeking someone to go on a time travelling adventure with them? Would you ignore the request? Would you immediately call up and ask to be included in this marvellous adventure? Or would you call and ask if this was some subtle way of asking for sex? It’s your call…

Well, Safety Not Guaranteed plays with this premise of an advert looking for someone to travel back in time with the ad-placer. Aside from asking the applicant to bring weapons (a necessity for time travel – you’ve seen Sliders right? Those guys ended up in all manner of crappy situations!), the advert ends with the line “Safety Not Guaranteed”. Enter the story. The advert’s picked up by a magazine looking for a new feature article, so reporter Jeff (Jake Johnson) and his two interns Darius (Aubrey Plaza) and Arnau (Karan Soni) trek off to the coast to track down the guy that placed the article: Kenneth (Mark Duplass). So whilst Darius is charged with getting the inside scoop on the story by getting to know Kenneth, the boys are left to go on their own journeys of discovery and enlightenment. If I’m being vague, that’s a good thing, as I don’t want to spoil a thing.

Safety Not Guaranteed comes to you from the same producers as Little Miss Sunshine and holds a lot of similarities with it. I’d also throw Garden State into the mix too to give you an impression of the sort of film this is. What’s my opinion of these two films? Well, they’re OK. I’m not crazy about them. They’re entertaining, quirky, indie-style movies for sure. And for some, they’re like scripture, but not so for me. Way too much whimsy and “pleasantness” to tick all the boxes. But Safety Not Guaranteed is a damn fine film. And one that I believe you should take time out to see.

Although it’s a charming and pleasant viewing, it’s not that that had me held; it was the combination of plot and acting. Firstly, I honestly was left guessing the whole way through the film about how it would be resolved. Is time travel possible? What’s this guy up to? Will it work out between X and Y? Hooray for a film that kept me anticipating the next step. Although I must say that I was disappointed that a plot thread involving Jeff was left somewhat up in the air and unanswered. I wanted resolution. But that aside, I found it a thoroughly engaging affair. Due in no small part to the lead players…

Parks & Recreation fans will instantly recognise Aubrey Plaza – the downbeat and sarcastic one from the hit show. Whilst she retains some of her world-weary cynicism here, she really acts convincingly and had me enraptured. She’s oddly introspective and has a delightful way of holding the viewer’s attention in every one of her scenes. I’d never really noticed how good looking she is either. Always a bonus. Similarly, I didn’t know what to expect from New Girl’s Jake Johnson as the lead reporter on the case. I was anticipating a one-track “big man on campus” performance, but his character was lovingly written and had a depth to him not normally seen on-screen. It’s just a pity that his main plot line was left so open and inconclusive. Credit too to Mark Duplass as Kenneth – his performance as a somewhat paranoid eccentric was right on the money. A very subtle and effective performance.

Although too much whimsy and quirkiness in a film normally makes me feel queasy, I’ve got to hand it to those involved with Safety Not Guaranteed. It was entertaining, but never so saccharine that you felt the need to reach for the nearest bin. Admittedly, it was slow at points and I can’t say I was engaged from start to finish, but I never wanted to stop watching. I needed to know how it finished for all the protagonists. With a sub-90 minute running time the film never outstays its welcome, which could have become a real problem for the film. At its core, Safety Not Guaranteed is a story of romance under a thin veil of mystery. I’m not normally one for a movie of this ilk, but it worked. It worked really well.

Safety Not Guaranteed is a very welcome surprise. Seeing “From the producers of Little Miss Sunshine” on the posters didn’t fill me with glee because I’m not that sort of Phage. But the writing pulled me in and the acting held my attention. Its mish-mash of romance, comedy, mystery and sci-fi is an interesting mix that whilst not pandering to one demographic, ably draws in people that wouldn’t normally be interested in what is essentially a romance story. If one word had to sum up this tale, it’d simply be “charming”.

So maybe it is worth answering these ads. Safety Not Guaranteed essentially advertised itself as: “Seeking fans of quirky romantic comedies for a 90 minute experiment. Bring popcorn. Warm, cozy feelings guaranteed.” It’s certainly not one I’d have heeded the call of, but I did. And I’m more than thankful for it. I’d suggest you do the same. By that I mean checking out the movie. Maybe replying to an advert that reads “Seeking an experimental slave that can tolerate pain. Bring condoms. Safety not guaranteed.” isn’t the one you should be replying to… Or maybe it is?

Phage Factor:

The 2012 Phagee Awards

December 28, 2012 by The Phage

The years… they come and go faster than Lindsay Lohan‘s court appearances. But 2012 was special. It was the year that Film Phage entered the universe, kicking and squealing at the bright lights… once again, just like Lindsay Lohan. And as is traditional at this time of year, I think it’s apt to take a retrospective look at the year that was and hand out the coveted Phagees [pronounced fay-jeez]. In this, the First Annual Phagee Awards, there are a number of categories and prizes up for grabs – none of which are worth the paper they’re printed on, or indeed, the pixels they’re displayed on.

Loyal readers who’ve been with us from the start will know that our birth was only in the middle of the summer, so the films released in the first half of the year were in the months BP (Before Phage) and as such, have no reviews. We’ve been thinking long and hard whether it’s right to include these “unreviewed” films in our awards, and we came to the conclusion that yes… yes it is right. If you disagree, then please write to the Awards Committee at thisaddress@doesntexist.com and make your voice heard!

In each category, we have up to 5 nominees from all the films released this year. But there can be only one winner in each! Also, we’re running with the UK release schedule – we got some 2011 films in 2012 and won’t sadly be getting the likes of Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln and Django Unchained until 2013! Regardless, let’s get this show on the road!

Best Animated Film

Frankenweenie / ParaNorman / Brave / Ice Age: Continental Drift / Rise of the Guardians

Winner:

Yes, like you, we also don’t think Tim Burton is the Messiah, nor do we rate many of his newer movies, but we really felt Frankenweenie was a cut above the rest of this year’s nominations. It looked gorgeous and had a deliciously macabre sense of kooky humour to it. Its innumerable nods to horror films of yesteryear was also really nice to see and easily merits repeat viewings. Plus, it’s Burton… you never know how he’ll end a film. He’s not afraid embrace the darkness. All this being said… had Disney decided 2012 was an appropriate year to release Wreck-It Ralph in the UK, the winner’s podium may not look exactly like this…

Best Male Actor:

Matthew McConaughey (Killer Joe) / Tom Hardy (Lawless) / Pierce Gagnon (Looper) / Ben Affleck (Argo) / Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook)

Winner:

Now, as my loyal Phagelings know all too well, I’d be more than happy if they cast Tom Hardy in every movie until the end of time and 2012 really has marked his arrival with the mainstream audiences courtesy of his roles in The Dark Knight Rises and Lawless. I think the guy is a sheer force of nature, which is why we’ve awarded him the 2012 Best Male Actor Award. Not just for his subdued and stunning performance in Lawless, but also for his sheer presence and abilities as Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. I do however have to give much credit to the young Pierce Gagnon. I’d be very tempted to give him the prize owing to his skills in Looper, but I think there’s more to come from this little guy. I want to see what his next move is.

Best Female Actor:

Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook) / Emma Stone (The Amazing Spider-Man) / Juno Temple (Killer Joe) / Kate Winslet (Carnage)

Winner:

Having looked through all the releases that have dropped in the UK this year, I’ve got to say that it’s something of a paltry selection for Best Female Actor this year. In the US, you have Zero Dark Thirty, Lincoln and Les Miserables already released. But here? No such luck. That being said, Jennifer Lawrence has really come into her own thanks to that performance in Silver Linings Playbook and is totally deserving of the Phagee here. I really enjoyed her performance here and the chemistry and back-and-forths between Bradley Cooper and Lawrence made for a sleeper hit for the year. Glad to see she’s being recognised in the “real” Awards Ceremonies in the world too.

Best Comic Book Adaptation:

The Amazing Spider-Man / Dredd / Avengers Assemble / The Dark Knight Rises

Winner:

What a year for the comic book fan! Ultimately though, this came down to a two horse race between Marvel’s Avengers Assemble / The Avengers and DC’s The Dark Knight Rises. Although I found the dark tone and Tom Hardy‘s portrayal of Bane in The Dark Knight Rises to both be particularly appealing, you’ve got to hand it to Marvel Studios for pulling off the film that many thought would be too big and too grandiose in scope. But Joss Whedon scripted and directed one hell of a film. I must confess, I’m a Marvel fan boy, but who didn’t laugh at Hulk’s squabbles with Thor and Loki? Or feel the “ooo, this is awesome” sensation upon seeing the trailer for the first time. Be honest! And with the quick glimpse of Thanos in the closing credits… well… I can’t wait for Joss‘ next script and instalment in 2015.

Best Comedy Film:

21 Jump Street / American Reunion / Seven Psychopaths / Silver Linings Playbook / Goon

Winner:

2012 was a great year for comedy and we thoroughly enjoyed all of the selections in this category, especially the underrated Goon, with Sean William Scott acting his chops off in a role that wasn’t Stifler. Having said that, the runaway hit of the year for me was 21 Jump Street. Who’d have thought that Channing Tatum, the dancing fiend, would have such comedic timing? It was also great to see Jonah Hill in a funny comedy once again. We all know that he was great in Moneyball, but it’s good to see him back at home getting some laughs. And who doesn’t love it when Ice Cube shouts at people? Roll on the sequel…

Most Searched For Term on Film Phage:

Is Kevin Dillon (Johnny Drama) in Sinister? / Sofia Vergara’s boobs / Ron Perlman as an ape / Pierce Gagnon / Merida in Brave

Winner:

We’ve had some truly bizarre search terms bringing people to Film Phage this year. Some of you are rather odd. Let’s just say there’s been some extremely peculiar terms entered into Google! Whilst lots of people were searching for a glimpse of Sofia Vergara‘s cleavage, courtesy of The Three Stooges, she didn’t bring us the most traffic. No, that honour went to the young Pierce Gagnon thanks to his sterling turn in Looper. However, it was nice to see that some of my odd comparisons this year also brought in the traffic. Hundreds of people still want to know if Kevin Dillon aka Johnny Drama from HBO’s Entourage is in Sinister. I’ll again answer this… no, it’s just Ethan Hawke doing his best Drama impression. Similarly, no, Ron Perlman does not voice Gutt the pirate-ape in Ice Age: Continental Drift – that honour goes to Peter Dinklage. So many of you also were trying to hunt down pictures of Ron Perlman shirtless / in his younger years / grinning. You crazy bunch.

Worst Film of the Year:

Piranha 3DD / The Three Stooges / Keith Lemon: The Film / Snow White and the Huntman / The Muppets

Winner:

Wow, there really were some stinkers this year – even before Film Phage launched. And no, I didn’t think The Muppets was fun either. I fell asleep for the first time in a movie since I was about 4 years old. But the dubious honour of “Worst Film of the Year” goes to Keith Lemon: The Film. Never have I been so bored and unentertained in a comedy movie. Even the teenage target audience were walking out of the screening before the 1 hour mark was up. Maybe Kelly Brook should have opted to somehow appear in Piranha 3DD after her turn in the original Piranha 3D, instead of opting to guest in this. Not “bang tidy”.

The 2012 Film of the Year:

Argo / Looper / Avengers Assemble / The Dark Knight Rises / Killer Joe

Winner:

And so we arrive at our biggest Phagee: The Film of the Year. It was tough. Real tough. Although Killer Joe was the first film reviewed here on Film Phage, it still remains one of the year’s best for me thanks to McConaughey‘s performance. However, my film of the year rests with Looper. I know… a controversial choice. Although I loved Avengers Assemble and really think it achieved so much, it had a rather basic plot. I understand that this was probably needed as it was essentially an “Avengers Origins” movie, but it still lacked a riveting story. Looper cannot be accused of the same. Yes, it has its plot holes, but it also has Pierce Gagnon. And Bruce Willis back at his best. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt pretending to be Bruce Willis back at his best. We enjoyed every moment of the film and brand it with our Phagee for Film of the Year.

What were your most enjoyed films this year? I’m sure many of you have opinions and your own favourites. I’m also sure many of you disagree with me on my big Phagee winner of the year: Looper. I’ve yet to see it figure anywhere else in any other poll of the year. Controversial? Probably. But I bloody enjoyed it… and that’s what matters.

Life of Pi (2012)

December 23, 2012 by The Phage

The Life of Pi… It must be an interesting story, depending on which angle you take. You could follow it from its humble doughy beginnings. You’d recoil at the brutal kneading and stretching. Laugh when it hits the giddy heights of 200 degrees as it bakes to perfection. And you’ll weep when its whole life is obliterated by some greedy child (or Jim from American Pie). Oh wait, that’d be a pie. Still, an interesting story. Well, since the title’s not referring to baked goods, it certainly can’t be telling the tale of π, can it? That beautiful mathematical constant that spreads herself far and wide, penetrating every hole and circle in the world like some promiscuous lady of the night. No? Oh, so it’s Ang Lee‘s adaptation of the book “Life of Pi” then? Probably a safer bet than a tale about a number or baked goods then…

Yes, Life of Pi is the big screen adaptation of the novel by Yann Martel – the critically revered book about one man’s life and all the highs and lows that it brings. Without delving too much into the story, it follows the life of Pi (played by numerous actors, but mainly Suraj Sharma as Pi the younger, and Irrfan Khan as Pi the elder) – a young Indian boy who travels with his family (and their zoo) across the Pacific Ocean to begin life anew in Canada. Tragedy strikes when the freighter they’re travelling on sinks to the depths of the ocean. But Pi survives. As do some of his fellow travellers. Mainly those that don’t speak very often: his animals. The film / book works as a retrospective, as Pi recounts the story to a budding novelist, played by Rafe Spall. It really is a bombastic and incredible story, filled with stunning visuals and heart warming moments, but I left the screening feeling somewhat underwhelmed.

Well, where to begin. This film has been the subject of much hype with critics branding it as the cinematic event of the year. And on paper you could understand why. First up, we have the choice of director: Ang Lee. This is the guy that was once the darling of tinsel town following his big one-two hits of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Brokeback Mountain, but he’s been rather quiet in recent years. He also toyed with Hulk back in the day. Back before Hulk started smashing puny Gods… and before his alter-ego was played by Edward Norton. Lee’s Hulk was derided far and wide for being rather too serious and taking far too long to bring the big, green guy to the screen. But this was the pre-Batman Begins and pre-Iron Man era. A time when superhero movies were nothing but a blemish on the income sheet of studios around the world. Oh how things have changed…

But back on track. You have the big name director in place, renowned for great stories and/or gorgeous visuals, and you have a critically-acclaimed, best selling novel to back it up. What can go wrong? Well, nothing’s wrong per se, but there’s not a whole lot that I feel merits such great praise. Yes, the 3D technology feels at home for the first time since Avatar and the CGI animals are simply fantastic, but past that I don’t feel there’s a whole lot to rave about.

Whilst the story is interesting, it’s certainly not compelling enough to justify the 120+ minute run time in my opinion. Despite the fact that The Hobbit was a long movie, it never felt that way – the plot constantly developed and evolved. New locales were uncovered and new characters encountered. But Life of Pi is a pretty lonely story for the most part. Whilst it takes a long while to get to the boat’s sinking, that was fine – it enriched Pi’s character and helped us understand his upbringing. But when the story breaks down into Pi and his animal friends, it gets slow. It gets really slow. This may work very well as a book (I wouldn’t know, I’ve not read it), but it doesn’t work so well as a film. As I say, it’s not a poor stab at what must be a very hard story to translate to film, but I feel that it might just not be possible to pull off, regardless of director and screenplay writer.

It sure is a lonely life. Would probably be made better with pie.

One thing I can agree with is how smooth and stunning the CGI-generated animals are on-screen. If I hadn’t just come off the back of seeing The Hobbit in 48fps and cooing at Gollum’s animation, I wouldn’t hesitate in calling these creatures the finest creations this year. You’d swear that our young adventurer was aboard his life raft with Richard Parker (his tiger). It’s going to be a tough call for the Academy to decide who walks away with the Best Visual Effects’ Oscar in 2013, but I’ll bet you it’s someone associated with one of these two films.

Ultimately, I just failed to connect with the story. Myself and others left the screening uttering phrases such as “is that it?”, “I don’t get it” and “that was different”. I’m glad I go to such vocal screenings sometimes (though if that punk kid on my aisle slurped the ice out of his empty cup one more, I’d have had to educate him in the Life of Pain). The story, whilst lovely to look at, feels a little empty at the end of it all. Especially when you factor in the “twist” ending that those familiar with the book will already know of. Sure, it’s an adventure. Sure, it’s nice to look at. But ultimately, it’s much like a painting – beautiful to behold, and it may tell a fascinating story, but it won’t appeal to every viewer. Some people just prefer Spider-Man to Rembrandt.

Life of Pi is certainly one of the most ambitious films of the year. But with ambition comes an inherent risk – the risk that it was too ambitious. Whilst I commend the whole team behind the film for really striving to bring the story to life, I can’t help but feel that it just isn’t a story that translates into a 2 hour cinematic adventure. I’m sure it’ll scoop some awards this season, but it certainly isn’t the darling some would have you believe. And as for being a “family adventure film”? I’d leave the kids at home. Especially if they’re going to slurp ice every 20 seconds.

This Christmas season I’m more interested in the Life of Pie than the Life of Pi. Whilst I type, I can smell fresh mince pies cooling downstairs and I can’t wait to tuck into every pie under the sun whilst I enter my festive bloating-session. I’d much rather invest my hours into ensuring those pies are golden and delicious than have to invest another two hours into a film like Life of Pi. Though one thing I’m certain of is that no-one really wants to hear the story of π and how it gained all its digits. Let me start that story off for you right now… 3.14159… bet you can’t wait for that killer twist “7” that’s coming up…

Film Phage

… for infectious film reviews

Author Archives: The Phage

Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

Phage Factor:

Thirteen of the Best for 2013

1) 14th February: A Good Day To Die Hard

2) 27th March: Trance

3) 12th April: Oblivion

4) 26th April: Iron Man 3

5) 24th May: The Hangover Part III

6) 7th June: After Earth

7) 14th June: Man of Steel

8) 21st June: World War Z

9) 12th July: Monsters University

10) 26th July: The Wolverine

11) 20th September: Elysium

12) ??th October: Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

13) 30th October: Thor: The Dark World

Parental Guidance (2012)

Phage Factor:

The 2012 Phagee Awards

Best Animated Film

Best Male Actor:

Best Female Actor:

Best Comic Book Adaptation:

Best Comedy Film:

Most Searched For Term on Film Phage:

Worst Film of the Year:

The 2012 Film of the Year:

Life of Pi (2012)

Phage Factor: